I fought it for a long time, but Starbucks finally got me. I still try to support local coffeehouses, but I probably hit up Starbucks 3 to 4 times a week. Now I'm not spending $5 a drink, most of the time I'm there for good ol' drip coffee with room for cream. I'm not addicted to their brew; the best thing I can say about Starbucks coffee is that it's consistent. After only 10 or so years on our nation's consciousness, Starbucks has managed to obtain the same marketing advantage that McDonalds holds on us: the ability to produce the same food/drink no matter where you buy it. Fast Food Nation aside, there's something reassuring about knowing you get the same french fries anywhere in this country. Much the same way, it's good to know you can get the same cup of coffee in Omaha, Nebraska as you can on the main concourse of the Maui International Airport. Wherever you go, you can rely on a safe decent cup of coffee. Anyone who's suffered from a burnt cup of coffee that sat on the burner too long knows there's nothing worse than taking the first sip of your morning wake up just to find it tastes like liquefied burnt toast. There is a line in the sand of coffee beach separating the drinkable from the swill. Starbucks is never swill. And that's why they have me; their quality control has prevented me from ever getting a bad cup of coffee from the Emerald Empire.
And quite an empire it is. According to their website's store locator, there are 19 stores within a 5-mile radius of my house and 6 stores within a 2-mile radius. Strong not only in Oceanside, CA, there are 284 stores in New York City, 128 stores in Seoul, South Korea, and 33 stores in Kuwait. Kuwait? Right now it's 104 degrees in Kuwait--not exactly coffee drinking weather. (As an aside, I just used weather.com to check the climate in Kuwait; I'm expecting my wiretap sometime this afternoon.) Back to Kuwait because I know what you're thinking--Starbucks has quite the lineup of iced beverages that might be appropriate in the Middle East. Great, Saudi Arabia is home to the largest ocean desalination water plant in the world; I'm sure when they built this monster the architect was thinking, "Finally, we can make some decent ice. If I have to drink one more Tazo Green Iced Tea Chiller at room temperature, I don't know what I'm going to do."
Quite frankly, it's the iced portion of the Starbucks menu that kind of concerns me. I'm a bit of a traditionalist, and I would hope that coffee house serve COFFEE! One negative result of all the customized foofy coffee drinks inside the 'Bucks is that it takes too damn long to get a cup of coffee. Obviously as orders have gotten longer and more complex, Starbucks has logically responded by increasing staffing and specializing labor. The problem is now it takes the same length of time to get an iced tea as it does an Iced White Chocolate Mocha. I love the question you're greeted with you enter a busy Starbucks, "What kind of drink can I get started for you?" Started for me!? This language suggests that there will clearly be a lengthy production period as you "start" the drink for me before it can be finished by someone else. Listen, Green Apron, we're not talking about lobster risotto or chocolate soufflé, let's speed up the process. And Starbucks, can we please calm down with all the different flavored frosty coffee frappes? Lest we forget…coffee is a flavor.
By providing new style coffee fusion beverages, I know one could argue that Starbucks is merely giving the customer what he wants. Apparently, based on the Starbucks menu what the customer wants is to go to Baskin Robbins or Jamba Juice. With the introduction of the Banana coconut frappuccino and more fruit cream drinks on the horizon, there are no boundaries to where Starbucks might roam. Banana coconut frappuccino? What the hell is this? An employee assured me that all frappuccinos are coffee based, but once you add layers of banana and coconut, it starts to sound more like a suntan lotion than a coffee house beverage. By the way this same employee confessed she didn't really even like coffee. AAARGH!
Well Starbucks congratulations on all your success and especially on keeping me as a faithful customer. I ask that you not forget about us bottom feeders, those who just want a shot of caffeine and not some boutique-y, javaized mountain of Readi-whip. I do have to admit I'm eagerly awaiting the arrival of your theme park, which I predict will open in 2024. Or perhaps with the success of Akeelah and the Bee, you'll continue to delve into the film industry. How about a remake a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory except this time Willy Wonka is the owner of the magical Starbucks factory. Instead, of children receiving golden tickets, the guests of honor will be five adult coffee addicts. Bill Gates would be a lock for Slugworth, the evil corporate competition trying to take over Seattle. And how symbolic it will be when poor Augustus Gloop gets sucked into the espresso river and gets trapped in the corporate machinery.
Hey…I'd be perfect for that part.
No comments:
Post a Comment